It's been a long five months of writer's block. And to be honest, I'm using this forum to clear my writer's block for another writing project I'm undertaking - one that I'm actually on deadline for. More on that later.
I've started several pieces (excellent ones, if I do say so myself) - there's a provocative post on transgender issues; alas they all remain half written. That's the precise reason I stopped reading novels, because I would always get halfway through and become disinterested. This behaviour may be more telling about what I'm about to say more than I originally thought.
Inspiration hits you at random moments, and perhaps this reflects my selfish nature because today's inspiration comes from a wedding I attended this past weekend - likely one of those times I shouldn't be thinking about myself. It was my first "friends" wedding; I've been attending a number of family weddings in the last couple of years (the joy of being the youngest cousin on both sides of the family). It's a different view when I get to pound back shots without my mom hovering somewhere in the background.
It was a lovely wedding - filled with laughter, zero pretension, genuinely happy people and just enough formality to remember what we were all there to celebrate. Don't worry, my ovaries aren't doing a somersault for a baby and I don't suddenly have the urge to go running down the aisle with the next person who rings my doorbell. But it certainly got me to thinking about the people I want standing with me when I do.
Fuck the groom (or bride, you never really know), I haven't quite worked him/her into the picture yet - but what I have given sincere thought to who I would like standing there by my side. I've actually had it figured out since my last year of university; and I gave it some solid reflection this weekend and realized that I wouldn't change a single person in that line up. Not now and hopefully not on that day (when and if it happens).
Sorry if I met you after university and you are an awesome human being (please don't take it personally?). I haven't quite told any of these individuals about their hypothetical role, but I think it takes a wee bit of foresight (and patting of my own back) to know who really matters and why they do.
I'm going through one of those introspective periods of wondering what my interests are, where my values lie and how I'm growing as an individual. (No need to get too excited.) One excellent friend - who may or may not be on that wedding day list - asked me if she felt we were honest enough with each other as friends, and I said that I hoped so. She expressed, in a better-late-than-never way, that she had been really concerned for my behaviour and general demeanour last year.
Hindsight being the 20/20 that is, I can definitely confirm that I was quite the genuine asshole in 2010. At the time, I called it a stabilizing year - where I was learning how to adjust to my better paying job, living on my own in the city. It was a year of trying on a lot of metaphorical hats. It certainly helped me have a lot of stories to tell. Trials and tribulations of being single in a big city led to experiences with interesting and sometimes moderately famous characters to name a few that I decided to write about.
My former co-workers (now good friends) called me out on being a douche all the time and I wouldn't quite disagree, but was also so immersed in it that I am not quite sure I cared. Who wouldn't want to be this "awesome"? (please detect sarcasm) In my defense, however, I was cognizant of it all happening. I created a tag on this blog called "descent into douchedom" to capture said moments. I mentally decided to put an end to it when I cut off my hair back in December and took a solo sojourn to New York City. And you thought quarter-life crises aren't real.
Ten months in, it's been a relatively good year so far. I've done exceptionally well in my career, making a few leaps that have me really feel that I'm really not new to the working world anymore and can't be making bush league mistakes. From the hallowed words of The Devil Wears Prada: "'My personal life is falling apart.' 'That's what happens when you start doing well at work. Let me know when your entire life goes up in smoke: then's it's time for a promotion.'" Nowadays, I have substantially fewer dating stories, but I think I kept that facade going purely to have stories, not because I felt like I was really getting anything out of it. And that's fun at first (crazy fun), but it's so hollow and unfulfilled. In order to actually move forward, I'm going to move a few steps back to re-orient myself to the things that actually matter to me.
We are all on different paths now; we're making up what is normal one day at a time. There are no real benchmarks after they throw you out of school. No one says you should be finished anything within the next four years and I'm damn well going to march to the beat of my own drum. I'm just re-calibrating what that tune might sound like and surround myself with the people who are gracious enough to help bring out the best of what I have to offer. Thank you for your patience, for growing with me and for being willing to come along for the ride.
I'm in repair; I'm not together, but I'm getting there. Oh John Mayer, if only you weren't such a womanizing douche.
No comments:
Post a Comment