This is one of the aforementioned posts that I started a while back. In fact, this one dates back to May 21 of last year. It’s taken a slight turn but it still reflects on somewhat similar subjects. I still really need to finish this great piece I started on transgender issues. Someone remind me to do that.
What good is Christmas and the onset of a new year but to reflect of the goings-on from the nearly year gone by? My Christmas presents sucked, but I'm really much more into what I give myself anyway. So 2011, what did I bring myself this year? It’s been a phenomenal year in my professional life; I’ve been promoted twice and successfully headhunted once. In my personal life, I have met some amazing individuals who I hope stay in my life for a very long time and continued building relationships that mean the world to me. I’m never going to be a family girl, but I am spending much more time with my similarly cosmopolitan cousins – it’s a start.
There was a point in the year where I didn’t realize my life was not where I needed it to be, where I was so bored of my own life that I stopped doing so many things that were important to me and going with the motions. I really can see how easy it is to fall into that trap. It’s amazing what a change of scenary can do for one’s perspective.
But I suppose the real reason you’re reading is what may not have gone so smoothly this year. Because let’s face it – those things tend to be more hilarious, and oftentimes (as I’m sure you know from your own experiences) we tend to learn a lot more from when things go wrong rather than right. They say no one writes stories about things that come easy – at least I’m pretty sure Adele isn’t writing songs about it.
Let’s dial back for a second and contextualize – in 2010, as I’ve said before, I went through some rather off-putting phases. More so than the asshole I temporarily allowed myself to be, I did a lot of dumb shit with my dating life. I dated for the sake of the story – and perhaps a modicum of interest in the other person. I wasn’t really doing it for me. The “best” “stories” (all terms used loosely) to come out of that were the i-banker and the Maple Leaf. Subsequently, when it all went bust as expected I decided that I would no longer aim to date men whose selves and careers never permitted them to be what I would want and need from them.
So 2011 rolls around and instead of those bozos, I decide that it’s best to open myself to a Yale law graduate and an Aerospace Engineer with MD aspirations. Did I learn anything from 2010? Womp womp
I make terrific life choices – I have amazing friends, an excellent career trajectory, phenomenal Craigslist roommates, a belief in the
One place where I do make all kinds of terrible life choices are in my selection of and actions towards potential mates. It can all be broken down into a science. I’ve been told time and time again that I put way too much stake into the way a person rolls out on paper.
And if it’s any indication – first dates are essentially interviews, so isn’t the screening process similar to reading a résumé? This is by far the biggest reason why I, personally, should not (and do not) online date. Frankly, I don’t think I come off the way I’d want to on paper. You’d pretty much have to read this blog to understand how I really come off. And I think one of the aforementioned bozos of 2011 may have done that. (Another story best saved with hand gesticulations in person). But you won't find any hyperlinks to stories about these two boys in future posts. I've decided that writing about them allots them too much time and meaning in my life, which my pride (and good sense) will not allow.
Over the years I’ve also been learning about how to censor myself. And this is rich coming from me who keeps a blog that started that as an unemployment blog and has evolved into a personal recount into my self-misguided adventures in not-so dating. On the upside, two years ago I learned to divulge less at work and separate my personal life from my professional life. In 2010, I learned that people can only change if they want to and thereby are not actually soliciting your good advice, but rather looking for you to agree with their decisions. And this year I’ve learned to say less (truly unimaginable) by not dissecting everything that happens as some kind of life-changing event and trusting my instincts instead.
I think this post is taking me so long to write because I keep changing what I want it to be. I’ve changed the title of this post at least three times. Originally when I first started this post, it was a rant on alpha and beta type males and well researched theories on how this generation of quasi-men has come to be. And then I wished expound on my desire to put a moratorium on the words “douche” and “crazy” (as in, bitches be crazy) because using a blanket term to describe the actions and attitudes of others is lazy and not to mention vague. Not that I no longer have opinions on these subject matters either.
It’s not that I’m becoming a cold person, nor am I becoming a mute. But the decisions I make now are for me – as they always should have been. I don’t care to be judged by others (haters gunna hate), nor do I really require anyone to solve my problems. I firmly believe that deep down we know all the answers to our problems, it’s whether or not we’re motivated enough to actually do anything about it. A thinly-veiled excuse is so much easier than admitting the truth.
I don’t sit around and act puzzled about my not-so dating life. I know exactly why it is the way it is: because I choose for it to be so. It’s like how in university they try to teach you that every drink is a choice, this can be extrapolated to every action is a choice – because it is. You are indeed the master of your own destiny, even if you believe that a god is out there pulling your strings, that same god (whichever one(s) you choose to believe in) gave you choice in the matters and is praying for you to do something with it.
Pretending to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity (I think they say that either Einstein, Twain or Ben Franklin said that first, either which way much greater men than I). I don’t necessarily expect different results, but I know why I repeat the same steps with better and better looking men each time is because I’m not ready to go down that other path. I have years before I’m ready to settle down in any way, so filler until that point just feels a recipe for unnecessary heartbreak. There appears to be an eternity to be settled and live out mundane domesticity, so I’m not going to waste the good years on it.
Through some actual work (which most people are too lazy or afraid to do) I really do know myself and I definitely know what I’m not looking for. This is the reason I don’t give second chances after lacklustre first dates, nor do I particularly feel the need to be the slightest different from who I am. No need to draw out a relationship only for them to cut and run when they figure out they’re not into what you’re actually offering. I’ve also figured out when to cut and run, if I’m in too deep and shouldn’t be. Hindsight being 20/20 as it is, in any case.
It’s been a learning process, making my own mistakes and learning when to heed the sage advice of the wise folk around me. I have built myself a wonderful group of consultants who have helped me shape my perspective and helped my build my gut instinct into what I rely on. To the single girlfriends, married friends, friends with kids, single gays, coupled gays, and the handful of straight men I know – this is my love letter to you. You are the ones who can almost provide all the things I need. I’ve learned how to tell when your boyfriend is lying about being a virgin; how to buy a house, a car and have a wedding all in the same year; how to kill it at in-firm law interviews; how the theoretical hierarchy of gay sex works; and how to raise an amazing seven-year-old daughter – those are all other the checkboxes in life, aren’t they?
One may read this and interpret as me being bitter or hating men, on the contrary – I love men, probably too easily. But instead of going on dates for the sake of free food, I’d rather pay for my own meal in guaranteed great company and be assured that I feel comfortable enough to unbutton the top button of my jeans as a result of overeating that I know I can do around you and also that you aren't looking to go any further down those jeans.
I am actually a firm believer that you are always ready to meet the right person, because the right person happens at the right time. To me, they aren’t mutually exclusive. Oftentimes, however, we mistake being ready to “put yourself out there” as a gateway to meet the wrong people and finding a way to stave off boredom. And my time is worth more than that, as is that person’s. (You see, I’m not always a selfish individual). They say when you know, you know – and hopefully with all the good and bad (flipped into good) I've learned along the way, I’m armed with what I need to see that really clearly.
In the meantime, I may have devised the motto for 2012. We didn’t end up coming up with one for 2011, and somehow still lived. Maybe I’ve zen-ed the fuck out as a result all the yoga I’ve been doing, but I’m going to trust my instincts and believe in that song I thought used to be about me: (Que Sera, Sera) “Whatever will be, will be.”
The future may not be ours to see just yet, but I'm looking for to it. Thanks Doris Day and Peace out 2011.
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